


deeper into this abyss of ours

by SerpentineJ



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Angst, I don't know, M/M, rinch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2015-07-02
Packaged: 2018-04-07 08:47:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4257003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SerpentineJ/pseuds/SerpentineJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“There’s one more thing.” Finch says, and John looks up. “I’d like you to avoid violence if at all possible,” and of course, quintessential Finch, concerned for even the lives of the people who kidnapped Grace.</p><p>“But if they harm Grace in any way… kill them all.”</p><p>John feels his stomach drop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	deeper into this abyss of ours

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: So I wrote this at 3 am on jet lag? and this scene leaves me breathless every fucking time I watch it

There is something inside of Harold that is wicked and dark, coiling in his gut and periodically rearing its head, and it now has regained consciousness- it makes John want to choke when it does, and he shudders and breaks in the face of this man.

The problem is that Harold is too good- he is so pure, in that even his rage, the dark, tumultuous tempest swirling in his heart and in his head is glimmering of silver, of good intentions and protective love- he is seemingly incapable of acting selfishly, of choosing himself over anyone, and it’s as if Finch values other lives over his own: as if he can’t see, doesn’t recognize that he’s so, so important. To the Machine. To the Numbers. To the entire effort of the team.

To John.

“She’s all that matters.”

John feels like his heart is being clawed out of his chest.

And this love, this unselfish love between them leaves John gasping for air and something else- the way Harold gives up, so easily, as though it has never been a question that if Grace were ever in danger, he would do anything, anything, even sacrifice everything that he is for a woman who doesn’t know he’s alive- and though it’s so shameful to admit, though it feels terrible to be so basely wanting, so jealously possessive of something so pure that isn’t his, will never be his, that’s what he wants. He wants and he wants and he _needs_ , and it eats at him, this slow ache that John knows will be his downfall one day, because he is to Harold as Harold is to Grace- he too is desperately delicate, heart-wrenchingly needing of someone who doesn’t know he is an option.

John doesn’t know how Harold stands it. He feels like he’s being wrung inside-out.

When Grace stumbles, Finch is there to steady her: John sees, is painfully aware of the mix of wonder and longing in Harold’s eyes as he looks at his former fiancé, and for a moment, though he knows it’s so, so selfish, he can pretend he’s looking at him instead of her.

~~~~~~

“Your flight leaves tonight.” There’s something breathless in him, something grievingly, jealously painful- Grace has something that he will never, can never have, can never even want because it’s so selfish it hurts.

He wants anyways.

He's a selfish man, he supposes.

John knows already that Harold Finch has been his salvation and will be his destruction.

“All I know for sure is,” and he tries to smile at her, he really does, but there are the faintest possible tears pricking his eyes and the ache of needing something he can never have pulling on his insides, “you loved him. He loved you back.”

It is extraordinarily painful to say, he registers numbly from afar.

John walks away. 

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: Comment? :D
> 
> punch me in the face on tumblr
> 
> EDIT: why is this link not working. I'm at serpentinej.tumblr.com


End file.
